I can't do this anymore guys
mjgirl86
Posts: 316
I am taking a long break, from everything... I am telling you ahead of time that I wont be on this forum. I have been too sad, and my focus has been off, constantly.
The other day, I cried for hours, on the floor, because I always feel lonely, pathetic, and I don't understand what I am here for...
I can't sadden you all with dry posts, and no enthusiasm, so I wont even be posting for awhile.. I just feel defeated and lost in this world.
I am not prepared, and I don't have the necessary strength to handle "Life". I don't see anything good happening in the future. I think I will be sad my whole life. People have taken advantage of me, people judge me, and I hate that I always care what others think. I always wanna fit in, and feel loved.
I know I'm still young, 23, but feeling the way I have since I was an early teenager is taking it's toll. No I wont seek help because last time I told someone how I felt, I was in an institution, and I can't put my family through that again...
I am trying not to cry right now-- hmm, cry. That's all I ever do. CRY. Anyways.. keep investigating and doing what you do...
Honestly, I myself, am the reason I have so many problems. I can't accept who I am, and I never will. I hate myself, fully. I don't explode, like most people do when they can't handle things. I implode, and it hurts, badly. I don't like to feel like a problem, but I just feel like a mistake.... *cries* I love my family, and I don't wanna hurt them, but I have a serious serious problem in my own head, that no one can fix.
I feel I am disgusting, that I don't deserve the precious gift of life, or to ever be loved and find happiness. That's fine for everyone else, but when it comes to me, no. I don't care whether I burn in hell or not, just because what happens to me doesn't matter. This is just how I feel. I try to change it, but it feels weird... and I hate compliments, etc, and I just feel like I will be the end of my own life, one day. I hope not, though, but when I get in my hysterical modes, I tend to do some damage to myself, pretty bad...
*Sigh* Wow, I didn't mean to make this so long, and.... open... I am going to go, now. I love you all. Don't worry, I wont do anything drastic, I just can't post here, feeling this way. I can't even concentrate on half the topics..
Bye, for now....
The other day, I cried for hours, on the floor, because I always feel lonely, pathetic, and I don't understand what I am here for...
I can't sadden you all with dry posts, and no enthusiasm, so I wont even be posting for awhile.. I just feel defeated and lost in this world.
I am not prepared, and I don't have the necessary strength to handle "Life". I don't see anything good happening in the future. I think I will be sad my whole life. People have taken advantage of me, people judge me, and I hate that I always care what others think. I always wanna fit in, and feel loved.
I know I'm still young, 23, but feeling the way I have since I was an early teenager is taking it's toll. No I wont seek help because last time I told someone how I felt, I was in an institution, and I can't put my family through that again...
I am trying not to cry right now-- hmm, cry. That's all I ever do. CRY. Anyways.. keep investigating and doing what you do...
Honestly, I myself, am the reason I have so many problems. I can't accept who I am, and I never will. I hate myself, fully. I don't explode, like most people do when they can't handle things. I implode, and it hurts, badly. I don't like to feel like a problem, but I just feel like a mistake.... *cries* I love my family, and I don't wanna hurt them, but I have a serious serious problem in my own head, that no one can fix.
I feel I am disgusting, that I don't deserve the precious gift of life, or to ever be loved and find happiness. That's fine for everyone else, but when it comes to me, no. I don't care whether I burn in hell or not, just because what happens to me doesn't matter. This is just how I feel. I try to change it, but it feels weird... and I hate compliments, etc, and I just feel like I will be the end of my own life, one day. I hope not, though, but when I get in my hysterical modes, I tend to do some damage to myself, pretty bad...
*Sigh* Wow, I didn't mean to make this so long, and.... open... I am going to go, now. I love you all. Don't worry, I wont do anything drastic, I just can't post here, feeling this way. I can't even concentrate on half the topics..
Bye, for now....
Comments
You are not alone. I hope you resolve this very soon and come back here.
Though I never spoke to you, I will miss you.
Hugs and prayers - x
There is more out there and you do deserve all of it!!!! Please pm me if I am able to help in any possible way, I care for you and see the beautiful light in you!!!! If at all possible find the time to visit a homeless shelter, animal rescue society, or a food bank over the holidays...you will be amazed what helping someone else does to boost your serotonin level and make you feel that you do have something to offer no matter how small! It's a slow climb, and sometimes you slip but never give up! Namaste.
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family, but of course the topic of Michael Jackson popped up... my aunt asked me what the status was on Murray, and I explained that they were letting him work etc, and how some fans were mad about that, and some other family members joined in, and said, "He didn't even kill Michael." I sat quietly, then they said, "Michael chose to take those pills. No one is to blame but himself. He made that choice, and did that to himself."
Now, this bothers me, even though we know the real situation, (Or at least that what happened that day is false), but to know that people would think he would be so careless, and destroy himself... it just bothers me... <!-- s:( -->:(<!-- s:( -->
Anyways, I am trying to be happy... thanks everyone.. I will try and post when I can on here. I love you all.
*Hugs & Kisses*
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So much love for you here, I hope you feel it <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Good luck with getting everything on track
I wish you the best. L.O.V.E. <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Please please don't do this, just think about how Michael would be saddened by reading your post, and who knows maybe he is actually reading it!!! Just think about it. You are not less than anyone around you, pls!!!! you are a unique individual. I'm sure. Please take care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Think about Michael. You sure want to be around when he comes back, don't you??? <!-- s
Michael Jackson
what do you want?do you want that michael come out 4 people who is loosing faith?
he told us that he is alive in EACH WAY..
it's your own INTEREST get his messagge..otherwise CRY ALL DAY 4 ALL DAYS .
You say you cannot hurt your family any more but don't you think them seeing you like this is hurting them? Don't you think they want to see you happy and not wasting your life feeling pain and worthlessness? Please seek help as kind words of comfort and encouragement are cleariy not working. Take care and please do not waste your young life suffering.
I am concerned. I read what she wrote and it don't sound good. <!-- s:( -->:(<!-- s:( --> I will be praying for this young woman as I can relate to some of the things that she feels about herself. You just never know what people are dealing with in their personal life. When you think you got it bad someone has it just as worse as you.
Sending hugs to Baxter and you!
Maybe keep you off from this site some days could help you to clear your mind! Then you will be able to get out from your padded cell! Lol!
Now serious quote, I don't know how can I help you, so I encourage you re-read that annie's thread "Fake MJ..." on old mjkit... Hope it helps!
Hugs, feel better soon!
for myself i know that this place have helped me feel better about what happened to michael, just to share my feelings and to see people who understand and feel the same....it helped a lot and it still does for me....
i am a depresive person too but there are little things who make me feel better, even for a moment...you just have to find them...and just know that seeking professional help is nothing to be ashame of...
so, that being said i hope i'll see you around and feeling better...and you can PM me if you want someone to talk to..
Yes, I agree but clearly this young Lady is suffering and definetly needs help. Yes many suffer in their personal lives and whatever is wrong there is always someone who has it worse-always but when you are feeling like this it does not matter how much others are suffering-you feel too low to care or indeed care about yourself. I saw my friend in a really bad way often and her good days were bad and her bad days were hell and no matter what you said or did helped. I hope to never see her in such pitiful state again-she just didn't care what happened to her. I have seen some terrible things when I lived in Africa but even through huge hardships, poverty and desperation I always saw a glimmer of hope and survival in the very poor who had nothing, when you are in a depressive state such as our member here there is no glimmer of hope, no motivation and no self worth. All is not lost though as she is aware of how she is and that is step one. My love-if you are reading this you will be aware this is true and please please seek help. Look forward to happier times when you can take pride in yourself and relish the wonderful things in life, nature, animals, children etc.There is so much to do in life-go seek help, then make friends, there are many young lonely people- and get out there and LIVE!!
Dear SPAKKLE,I understand how you feel...Some malicious people are out there 'cause they're non-believers and I guess they don't have much to do with their time but to mock us...I don't read those things,I don't think Michael would go on facebook or whatever to talk to us...All these theories lately too, have giving me splitting headaches and for now I try to focuss only on the more down to earth clues...I don't have a choice!"Annie airhead" just can't absorb much these days <!-- s:shock: -->:shock:<!-- s:shock: --> <!-- s
Take care!(From headless chicken no.2... <!-- s
and I feel like I may die soon, anyways.. I suffer from migraines, and I feel sharp pains in my head, and there's a discomfort, like my brain is pushing against my skull. I've felt this for years. Even worse, I really don't care.... and worse than that, my stress and strain is taking its toll on my heart....
I know, I know, go get it checked out. Ugh, maybe, maybe not. I barely wanna hop in the shower in the mornings-- that's how unmotivated I am. And someone said Michael would be sad if he read my post? Yeah, I am trying to think positive, and I love him very much, he's amazing.. but with the world today, I don't even wanna attempt to get better, anymore. People keep dying, killing their families, stealing and robbing people.. this is not the world I wanna live in.
I'm not saying I'm giving up, but I'm also saying that I'm not trying. I am just stuck in this purgatory of my own demons.
I will no longer post messages like this, because they could get very dark, and disturbing, plus, I don't like making people feel sad, and I don't like to complain.
I do this to myself. I am destroying myself. I implode, not explode, like I said. And I take everything real hard. I am overly sensitive to what others say, yet, I am the rudest and meanest to myself. I curse myself all the time, and call myself stupid. I'd rather hear myself say that, then have someone give me a compliment. Now how weird and twisted is that. I let myself suffer because I feel I deserve it. And there's no way I can get help, because honestly, I dont even want it. I will never accept who I am, ever. And I will never date, nor live with anyone.
I will stop here, because this is getting too deep, and dark in my mind. I will no longer post how I feel though, because you all have helped enough, and I feel terrible for even blabbing in the first place, when I know I wont make a change.
I shake and tremble when I do things wrong, and scream in my head. I still hit myself in the head, which probably adds on to my headaches, but something happens, when I make a mistake, or disappoint someone. I can't handle anything negative, from another. I snap, and beat myself about it- literally.
I've been doing this for years, though. I don't think it will change. I am truly my own worst enemy, and since I am in such a dark place, I will have to pull away from this forum even more. You would think I'd stay, because you guys make me happy, but I don't wanna say anything outrageous, again.
Take care, I love you all.
And please don't waste 10-20 minutes of your time with messaging me... honestly, deep inside, it doesn't make me feel better. I'm glad you all care, but it doesn't hit home, I am so far in my thoughts now, hardly anything encourages me. But please, don't worry about me. This is my last post like this, I promise.
Keep the faith.