I thought I had survived the lowest point...
50thstatebeliever
Posts: 90
I thought I had survived it all - the repetitive cycles that made me insane. Feeling vibrant, energetic, living my days by MJ music, keeping up the faith that he will soon be back...then facing the down days when it seemed the only thing I was hanging by, was my stubborn belief that he is not gone really - and that the world over could laugh at me, but I was going to be the one smiling and standing and saying "See - see I told you so." the day that MJ comes back...and then it repeated itself, off again, on again, off again, on again, until I could no longer tolerate the insanity, the emotions that just kept me feeling like I was either alive or lacking all feelings.
SO I DECIDED awhile ago - about a week I think - to let this all go and close the book. I couldn't even say I'd wait till the summer to find out...I just told myself, 'enough already'. I can't be in limbo. I can't be doubtful one day and then a believer the next. I then put away all thoughts of Michael, all thoughts of any issues relating to him. I decided to continue on with my life, the way it had been prior to this WHOLE mess. And it is a mess, you should see the inside of my soul if you could - it's in shambles. And so I did - I picked up my heart off the lowest point of my existence and said "no more". I went on doing what I always do, did what I had to do each day, and it was okay - would you believe it? I put away my MJ music, I stopped listening to him totally. I felt then, my heart begin to heal in an odd way. I didn't cry. I didn't think about him. I didn't wonder what was going on in the rest of the lives of everyone here on the site...and then today -on the way to an appointment, I sat by the window watching the scenery go by - I pulled out my cell phone and plugged in my earphones and looked through my music files I had uploaded onto the phone months ago...At first I skipped over the MJ collection. But then I was curious, to see what my reaction would be, should I listen to his music again. "Oh I'm all over the tears already..I'll be fine"...I thought. So I chose of all songs, Stranger in Moscow...then You Are Not Alone...then Human Nature...and suddenlly my eyes were both trying to hold back the tears that were overwhelming me.
Suddenlly my heart felt like it was breaking in two pieces, literally. I could feel my rib cage collaspse and I could hardly breathe.
He was still there, MJ was - carefully held in place deep in the furthest place in my heart, trying to survive amidst all the doubt and lack of faith I chose to take - simply because I could no longer bear to even THIN KOF HIM. That was how insanely painful the whole process was starting to feel. I had actually numbed myself into thinking it was okay to just not think about him at all, simply because it was too much emotion for me to carry, day in and out. I am back to a familiar place...some might call it denial of the truth, or denial of reality...but if that's what it is, then let it be so - because the truth of it all, is..simply, I can't feel anyting else regarding MJ other than still miss him. I thought I had grown strong enough to close the book...and just not even acknowledge him. But it can never be htat way. You can't deny yourself oxygen, light, water, you can't. And in the same way, MJ is just going to be a permanent part of life, and the world as we know it - because he made it that way. There can be no world without MJ in it...whether or not we see him walk the earth or we don't...he still existed, and he still exists to many of us...So with these tears and the pain that still lingers - I welcome back MJ into my struggle, my personal struggle of loving his music, loving his messages, and loving his legacy. He will go on, and on , until there is no universe. Whther or not I believe still, that he will be back soon - is no longer the point. The point is, I will never shut the door of my soul, on him again. He is here to stay...
SO I DECIDED awhile ago - about a week I think - to let this all go and close the book. I couldn't even say I'd wait till the summer to find out...I just told myself, 'enough already'. I can't be in limbo. I can't be doubtful one day and then a believer the next. I then put away all thoughts of Michael, all thoughts of any issues relating to him. I decided to continue on with my life, the way it had been prior to this WHOLE mess. And it is a mess, you should see the inside of my soul if you could - it's in shambles. And so I did - I picked up my heart off the lowest point of my existence and said "no more". I went on doing what I always do, did what I had to do each day, and it was okay - would you believe it? I put away my MJ music, I stopped listening to him totally. I felt then, my heart begin to heal in an odd way. I didn't cry. I didn't think about him. I didn't wonder what was going on in the rest of the lives of everyone here on the site...and then today -on the way to an appointment, I sat by the window watching the scenery go by - I pulled out my cell phone and plugged in my earphones and looked through my music files I had uploaded onto the phone months ago...At first I skipped over the MJ collection. But then I was curious, to see what my reaction would be, should I listen to his music again. "Oh I'm all over the tears already..I'll be fine"...I thought. So I chose of all songs, Stranger in Moscow...then You Are Not Alone...then Human Nature...and suddenlly my eyes were both trying to hold back the tears that were overwhelming me.
Suddenlly my heart felt like it was breaking in two pieces, literally. I could feel my rib cage collaspse and I could hardly breathe.
He was still there, MJ was - carefully held in place deep in the furthest place in my heart, trying to survive amidst all the doubt and lack of faith I chose to take - simply because I could no longer bear to even THIN KOF HIM. That was how insanely painful the whole process was starting to feel. I had actually numbed myself into thinking it was okay to just not think about him at all, simply because it was too much emotion for me to carry, day in and out. I am back to a familiar place...some might call it denial of the truth, or denial of reality...but if that's what it is, then let it be so - because the truth of it all, is..simply, I can't feel anyting else regarding MJ other than still miss him. I thought I had grown strong enough to close the book...and just not even acknowledge him. But it can never be htat way. You can't deny yourself oxygen, light, water, you can't. And in the same way, MJ is just going to be a permanent part of life, and the world as we know it - because he made it that way. There can be no world without MJ in it...whether or not we see him walk the earth or we don't...he still existed, and he still exists to many of us...So with these tears and the pain that still lingers - I welcome back MJ into my struggle, my personal struggle of loving his music, loving his messages, and loving his legacy. He will go on, and on , until there is no universe. Whther or not I believe still, that he will be back soon - is no longer the point. The point is, I will never shut the door of my soul, on him again. He is here to stay...
Comments
It is difficult...you are not alone in your grief. You must take your negative energy and do something positive...it's not hard and it starts small. find a food pantry in your area and vow to drop off a can or two of food on your way home from grocery shopping every time. Donate all money from bottles to your favorite charity. Save all your change in a piggy bank and at the end of the month, donate it. If you have an elderly neighbor, take care of them...send over banana bread or cookies...show your neighbors you care. Doing small things will make you feel worth wile and will make you feel like you are making a difference...because you are! A message without action isn't a message at all.
I agree. Sometimes i have to shut out the rest of the Jackson family and the hangers on, like Karen Faye.. and even worse are the stalkers like Sam Gossen.. the ones who taunt us with a photo to remind us that we didnt meet him, but they did.. Karen taunts us that she worked with him for years, and we didnt.
It gets all too much. I find a lot of these people, including the Jackson siblings, cause a lot of anxiety inside of me.
The only one i care about is Michael and those kids of his.
Sometimes you have to shut yourself off from the negative to remember the positive.
But its unbelievably hard. I still miss him. There is a hole that is Michael shaped.
What if he has died.. there is a real possibility, my friend. We just have to struggle on and try to understand and accept.
I think if Michael really had died and passed on.. the trial and (hopefully) conviction will give us all some peace and closure.. i think there is a lot of pain as we dont know the truth of what went on. Once we have the truth.. and our hearts will always recognise the truth.. we can begin to accept and heal.
I love michael so much, too deep to understand, and often feel guilty for it too, cause I'm worried that I'm not putting enough of it towards God though I've always believed in God and pray often, though I questioned that in the past year sometimes. But that's why I got resistant too, out of fear I guess.
I think alot of us are misunderstood by some - we are not suicidal - no...we are just trying to cope with recovery and life - and it is normal for the process to take a long time, and through different levels of healing. Of course I will be ok one day. I will be able to just smile when thinking of MJ, without feeling so much sorrow. I'm not one to be easily distracted by the latest, the newest, and other such superficial things in life. I have but a few things that I treasure - my spouse, my kids, my health, my home, and the faith that is responsible for giving me those things I am greatful for...and MJ just happened to be one of the people I felt was, in his unique way, an irreplaceable element...tthat made things feel special, that's all.
wow you beautifully put that into words, I was getting tears reading that. That is how I felt since he passed, but I can slowly feel it getting better though I'm still really upset and don't know how god could have let this happen to him, this way <!-- s:( -->:(<!-- s:( --> I always had faith but now I'm looking for more answers
Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely
i wish patience, faith and love for you. this whole thing is very difficult. whether you still believe or not, michael is a gift to this world. he may physically leave, but he will always be here- no matter what. and what makes you come back to him is purely love. i think he'd appreciate that. god bless you.
side note: this quote made me think of michael and what he's doing for us, hope you don't mind me sharing =/
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
Remember that "Man in the Mirror" was meant for people, ordinary citizens like you and me and so many others...it was meant to reach out to us and speak to us, and MAKE us move towards the positive light.
And in God's most precious message, He tells us that we need to take the first step, make that move, and He will come running to guide us, to take our hand. But he can't force us to make the move. He gives us the power to make the stand...and He'll do the rest. I believe you can do it. Whatever it is that inspires you, whatever it is that you love doing, that makes you YOU - do it. He'll be there to raise you up and move you forward, if only you'll make that turn when you see it there. We never thought the day would actually come in our life times to see Obama become president. It happened. Jesse Jackson cried tears of joy watching the outcome of the new Presidency. I wonder often, if MJ was watching, what he might have thought or said. I only wish I could have seen MJ's reaction. "Man in the Mirror" would've been a great song for Obama's win. lol...a time for a new turning, a time for standing up to things that CAN happen. take care, and I hope you feel better soon. Michael planted a seed in all of us, a seed of thought, of hope, of insentive, of possibilities. We can make an entire forest grow from that seed in our minds, our hearts. We just need to nurutre it, like how a seed needs sunlight and water...
I guess I have to turn back to my faith though I did it in summer and overexerted myself. Overpraying about overcoming this didn't help me immediately at all, it turned me off actually, but hopefully I will feel like myself again
Can I ask what you do each day for a living? What's your life background - family? There was a time before this whole MJ incident - that I had been going through emotional downs alot. I didn't want to take prescription meds for it, so I opted for a natural remedy and went to GNC and bought a bottle of St. John's Wort capsules. herbs...anyway I started taking them and it worked sooo well, I was amazed. And it had no side effects on me. It was as though someone had changed the color lens on the way I filter my daily life through my eyes, and I just went through each day feeling great. It wasn't like a 'giddy' kind of fabricated feeling like "ok, what are YOu on today?" no - it was a very natural sense of contentment, and the things that used to get me down, just the overall 'sheet' of heaviness and depression that hovered over me, felt like it was lifted and gone. Things that normally triggered my depression DID NOT even bother me any longer...I don't need to use it anymore - I haven't used it even when this whole MJ thing started. I never thought of using it, it never crossed my mind. Maybe subconciously I don't want to be cut free from the drama that I go through each day? I don't know...sometimes I think I am sooo "Capricorn", which I am...but it's like I do love the depth that comes with my character, because it makes life that much more interesting...maybe I'm my worst enemy...don't know...
For me right now, getting physcial exercise on a regular basis, getting my heart rate up and working out seems to help my mood elevate, pretty good. I think it's true that getting extra oxygen in and out promotes a healthier mood. It works for me. Greenman - just think about the well known MJ impersonators out there - imagine their lives, if we think ours have lost MJ...imagine what they feel - if the one that fed their soul to be what they are and do what they do - gone like that...I'd be devastated. what would be the strength for them to continue doing what they do? They not only breathed and lived MJ, but they were in a way, MJ in their own sense of reality.
Are you afraid of being let down this summer? Is that why you don't have the optimism anymore? Sometimes I think we are more afraid of fear itself - than the actual reality that life will bring us, because we don't know our own strengths, our own capabilities. I'm slowly beginning to grab on tighter to the faith again that MJ will truly SHOCK the hell out of us, in his time. And maybe I should not worry about how I am going to deal with th elet down if the let down happens...you can't go and live life predicting every single step, how we are going to feel or react or handle things. Imagine if Michael had to think about every step he would be taking next, every reaction he would be facing, every set back he would have to deal with in life - he wouldn't have survived all that he did, NO WAY. I believe that most often, he had to just LIVE. Just LIVE without thinking about the dominoe effect of how his feelings were going to affect the outcome. An old NIKe ad reminds me of a great statement: "JUST DO IT". Babies, when they first learn to start walking, can learn because they FEAR NOTHING. They don't have a set place in their minds that hold doubt, and restrain them from TRYING. We on the other hand, have the unfortunate element of fear from knowledge and wisdom from experiences. So fear often stops us from removing doubt and holds us back from improvement. Believe in yourself, Greenman, before god can work on you, through you. - He can't help you see if you keep your eyes closed...lots of doors may have shut, but there are still windows that can be opened and we can crawl out through them if we ADAPT ourselves to crawl through those smaller spaces...
I understand when you said you saw him in you - of course you felt it all crumble when he passed away. Would you believe I made myself my own MJ bracelet out of red string cord weaved, and black and white colored beads - I wear it to remember his strength. I never forget to put it on when I go to the gym. It helps me get through all the exercise I do. To me, those are great MJ colors - red, black and white. My fave colors of MJ.
A friend of mine had a dream the other month of MJ. She said she watched him sleeping, and when he awoke, he said smiling, "boy, I haven't slept like that in soo long, it felt good! I can always sleep better when you're around..thanks." and that was it. She thinks it's just a dream, I think maybe it's a sign. Anyway, I think about how you're doing every now and then and I send out positive thoughts and prayers...to help you on your way, each day. Hope is all about the mindset. Remember that. What we tell ourselves in our heads is the most powerful tool - and also can be the most powerful weapon against our own sense of peace and success. Be strong and carry on...that is great that you impersonated MJ for the joy of it. Wish I could. LOL...that is a funny thought, imagining myself doing that. HA HA HAH. <!-- s --><!-- s --> <!-- s:shock: -->:shock:<!-- s:shock: --> wish I could've seen you do your MJ moves. Have a great day Greenman. Peace.
Everyone tells me I'll be alright, I guess I have to learn to believe it. I didn't sleep all night and feel pretty weak right now and felt panicky a few hours ago. I know I will be too and told myself that from day one, but it's still very hard. Thanks so much for understanding though <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->