I thought I had survived the lowest point...

50thstatebeliever50thstatebeliever Posts: 90
edited January 1970 in General MJ Discussion
I thought I had survived it all - the repetitive cycles that made me insane. Feeling vibrant, energetic, living my days by MJ music, keeping up the faith that he will soon be back...then facing the down days when it seemed the only thing I was hanging by, was my stubborn belief that he is not gone really - and that the world over could laugh at me, but I was going to be the one smiling and standing and saying "See - see I told you so." the day that MJ comes back...and then it repeated itself, off again, on again, off again, on again, until I could no longer tolerate the insanity, the emotions that just kept me feeling like I was either alive or lacking all feelings.
SO I DECIDED awhile ago - about a week I think - to let this all go and close the book. I couldn't even say I'd wait till the summer to find out...I just told myself, 'enough already'. I can't be in limbo. I can't be doubtful one day and then a believer the next. I then put away all thoughts of Michael, all thoughts of any issues relating to him. I decided to continue on with my life, the way it had been prior to this WHOLE mess. And it is a mess, you should see the inside of my soul if you could - it's in shambles. And so I did - I picked up my heart off the lowest point of my existence and said "no more". I went on doing what I always do, did what I had to do each day, and it was okay - would you believe it? I put away my MJ music, I stopped listening to him totally. I felt then, my heart begin to heal in an odd way. I didn't cry. I didn't think about him. I didn't wonder what was going on in the rest of the lives of everyone here on the site...and then today -on the way to an appointment, I sat by the window watching the scenery go by - I pulled out my cell phone and plugged in my earphones and looked through my music files I had uploaded onto the phone months ago...At first I skipped over the MJ collection. But then I was curious, to see what my reaction would be, should I listen to his music again. "Oh I'm all over the tears already..I'll be fine"...I thought. So I chose of all songs, Stranger in Moscow...then You Are Not Alone...then Human Nature...and suddenlly my eyes were both trying to hold back the tears that were overwhelming me.
Suddenlly my heart felt like it was breaking in two pieces, literally. I could feel my rib cage collaspse and I could hardly breathe.
He was still there, MJ was - carefully held in place deep in the furthest place in my heart, trying to survive amidst all the doubt and lack of faith I chose to take - simply because I could no longer bear to even THIN KOF HIM. That was how insanely painful the whole process was starting to feel. I had actually numbed myself into thinking it was okay to just not think about him at all, simply because it was too much emotion for me to carry, day in and out. I am back to a familiar place...some might call it denial of the truth, or denial of reality...but if that's what it is, then let it be so - because the truth of it all, is..simply, I can't feel anyting else regarding MJ other than still miss him. I thought I had grown strong enough to close the book...and just not even acknowledge him. But it can never be htat way. You can't deny yourself oxygen, light, water, you can't. And in the same way, MJ is just going to be a permanent part of life, and the world as we know it - because he made it that way. There can be no world without MJ in it...whether or not we see him walk the earth or we don't...he still existed, and he still exists to many of us...So with these tears and the pain that still lingers - I welcome back MJ into my struggle, my personal struggle of loving his music, loving his messages, and loving his legacy. He will go on, and on , until there is no universe. Whther or not I believe still, that he will be back soon - is no longer the point. The point is, I will never shut the door of my soul, on him again. He is here to stay...









Comments

  • While MJ appreciated his fans and wanted them to love him and appreciate his music, I don't think he would be happy knowing he is causing so much anguish in someones life. You must remember, MJ is Human and all he wanted in this life was to be "Human". Console yourself in knowing MJ did what he was sent for. God needed him here for something and he fulfilled his appointed time here. He showed us how to persevere in times of great trial and to continue to do what you were meant to do. MJ had a deep deep belief in God and knew that the only one worthy of WORSHIP was our creator. He told us this by always telling us that his gifts came from God. God tests his greatest believers in this life and MJ took his tests and never waivered in his belief or mission. I think it's time for you to put your love and your trust to a higher power, one that can help you when you are down and feeling sad. You can't call on MJ but you can call on your creator.
    It is difficult...you are not alone in your grief. You must take your negative energy and do something positive...it's not hard and it starts small. find a food pantry in your area and vow to drop off a can or two of food on your way home from grocery shopping every time. Donate all money from bottles to your favorite charity. Save all your change in a piggy bank and at the end of the month, donate it. If you have an elderly neighbor, take care of them...send over banana bread or cookies...show your neighbors you care. Doing small things will make you feel worth wile and will make you feel like you are making a difference...because you are! A message without action isn't a message at all.
  • I can relate to you. A few times I even felt like I hated hearing about him and his family and just wanted to shut them off for good and move on cause I'm too hurt about what happened to him and too hurt to admit it. But he is a part of me and whenever I put him on again after hesitating, the tears, emotions, feelings, everything beautiful I felt before and after the death are still there. I think sometimes I felt so guilty about loving him too much and felt I should put that energy towards becoming more spiritual, but maybe I am and don't give myself enough credit. I know this is a material thing, but it hurts me that I didn't feel his love in person when I came so close to it last year.
  • I can relate to you. A few times I even felt like I hated hearing about him and his family and just wanted to shut them off for good and move on cause I'm too hurt about what happened to him and too hurt to admit it. But he is a part of me and whenever I put him on again after hesitating, the tears, emotions, feelings, everything beautiful I felt before and after the death are still there. I think sometimes I felt so guilty about loving him too much and felt I should put that energy towards becoming more spiritual, but maybe I am and don't give myself enough credit. I know this is a material thing, but it hurts me that I didn't feel his love in person when I came so close to it last year.

    I agree. Sometimes i have to shut out the rest of the Jackson family and the hangers on, like Karen Faye.. and even worse are the stalkers like Sam Gossen.. the ones who taunt us with a photo to remind us that we didnt meet him, but they did.. Karen taunts us that she worked with him for years, and we didnt.

    It gets all too much. I find a lot of these people, including the Jackson siblings, cause a lot of anxiety inside of me.

    The only one i care about is Michael and those kids of his.

    Sometimes you have to shut yourself off from the negative to remember the positive.

    But its unbelievably hard. I still miss him. There is a hole that is Michael shaped.

    What if he has died.. there is a real possibility, my friend. We just have to struggle on and try to understand and accept.

    I think if Michael really had died and passed on.. the trial and (hopefully) conviction will give us all some peace and closure.. i think there is a lot of pain as we dont know the truth of what went on. Once we have the truth.. and our hearts will always recognise the truth.. we can begin to accept and heal.
  • I think he's gone too though I'm keeping an open mind, though it's unlikely he's really alive. I feel for his kids and his mom but sometimes I just don't care to hear about them either cause it's too painful to even go there. Even though I'm still into him too, other times I can't stand him cause it hurts too much and I wondered why it was happening if I love him so much and still do. I think what it is is I can't stand the situation of what happened to him and he being awesome is a reminder of it and my mind is working overtime to block out what murray did and make me resistant. I don't know, nothing makes sense, sometimes I think I'm the crazy one, and no shrink can help me, I have to figure it out on my own. And I get flashbacks of times over the years where I enjoyed him and cry at him being gone, other times I just feel nothing cause it's hurt too much and I've blocked out the pain. Sometimes if I'm in anxious situations, I start thinking of how awesome he is and start crying by myself not believing he's gone.
  • WOW......how can so many of us feel so deeply connected to a man. He was just a normal human being just like us but with a awesome talent and love to share. We all love him. I know that i dont idolize him. I know who my creator is. GOD. My feelings for MJ are NOT the same as my feelings for God. I have taken my deep sorrow to God many times off and on and asked him for strength to get thru this sadness. Its just amazing (HOW MANY OF US) there is out there. Its totally weird that we feel so deeply connected with him. WHY??? On top of that i am VERY married and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Top that one!! LOL. Not the same kind of love that i have for my precious husband either. Its just a very deep connetion to MJ somehow. Just totally weird. Yes i do love you Michael. Yes I want you back but would be absolutely happy just to see you from afar with your fam, friends, working in a business of your choice. I can admire you from afar and live my life happily. (by the way...my hubbys name is Michael as well <!-- s:P -->:P<!-- s:P --> )
  • WOW......how can so many of us feel so deeply connected to a man. He was just a normal human being just like us but with a awesome talent and love to share. We all love him. I know that i dont idolize him. I know who my creator is. GOD. My feelings for MJ are NOT the same as my feelings for God. I have taken my deep sorrow to God many times off and on and asked him for strength to get thru this sadness. Its just amazing (HOW MANY OF US) there is out there. Its totally weird that we feel so deeply connected with him. WHY??? On top of that i am VERY married and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Top that one!! LOL. Not the same kind of love that i have for my precious husband either. Its just a very deep connetion to MJ somehow. Just totally weird. Yes i do love you Michael. Yes I want you back but would be absolutely happy just to see you from afar with your fam, friends, working in a business of your choice. I can admire you from afar and live my life happily. (by the way...my hubbys name is Michael as well <!-- s:P -->:P<!-- s:P --> )

    I love michael so much, too deep to understand, and often feel guilty for it too, cause I'm worried that I'm not putting enough of it towards God though I've always believed in God and pray often, though I questioned that in the past year sometimes. But that's why I got resistant too, out of fear I guess.
  • RKRK Posts: 3,019
    WOW......how can so many of us feel so deeply connected to a man. He was just a normal human being just like us but with a awesome talent and love to share. We all love him. I know that i dont idolize him. I know who my creator is. GOD. My feelings for MJ are NOT the same as my feelings for God. I have taken my deep sorrow to God many times off and on and asked him for strength to get thru this sadness. Its just amazing (HOW MANY OF US) there is out there. Its totally weird that we feel so deeply connected with him. WHY??? On top of that i am VERY married and have been married to the same man for 31 years. Top that one!! LOL. Not the same kind of love that i have for my precious husband either. Its just a very deep connetion to MJ somehow. Just totally weird. Yes i do love you Michael. Yes I want you back but would be absolutely happy just to see you from afar with your fam, friends, working in a business of your choice. I can admire you from afar and live my life happily. (by the way...my hubbys name is Michael as well <!-- s:P -->:P<!-- s:P --> )
    34 years with the same man for me too. I also have a personal relationship with the Lord and one aspect of what I feel conects me to to MJ is a spiritual one. There's a lot more than meets the eye going on in all of this.
  • I see mj as a muse and inspiration too in things I have done on a creative level that I never knew I could do. Michael made me excited over him in such a way that I knew that if I dug deep I could do what he did on a smaller scale. That's why a part of me died too, I don't know if I can quite recapture the way he made me feel passionate though the love is still there though it also hurts too much to love
  • Well thank you all for your input...I am in my mid 40's, and a mother of two teenage boys, and have been married to a great husband for the past 15 years, but have known him for 8 years before marrying. I do have a life, if it sounded like I didn't - and I do have a strong belief in God - everything starts with Him and returns to Him - and so many things we may not comprehend, He is all knowing. It's not like I am wasting my life crying over MJ - it's just that when a 'gift' such as he, so beyond simple comprehension, leaves us - it is very hard to come away from the 'lack of' that person that was such a gift to us. In all forms, he was art in human form. I put my concentration and energy into raising my boys...spending time with them...helping them plan their future...and I do not regret a single moment of having them, and this life...but it is just the other side of me - the other part of me that was enchanted by all the things MJ was, his unique connection to the world - when most of us have never met him...his aura, his charismatic performances that seemed to jump out from some place only he knew of - it is hard to accept that such a lively part of the world, is gone. He represented a kind of energy flow that only comes once in a lifetime...there are many entertainers, and many celebs in our world...but not all have that 'something'...that they send out in that kind of energy. Of course MJ is only human. He replaces not my faith, my belief, my God. But it is the unfamiliar 'place' in life and on earth, the unfamiliar place where MJ no longer walks, which is now our earth to continue living in - that is hard. It is a place where God has taken that ingredient away that feels cold and empty. MJ was to me, the added 'ingredient' in the normalcy of life. And now that 'ingredient' is gone, only leaving a memory of what that 'ingredient' was like.
    I think alot of us are misunderstood by some - we are not suicidal - no...we are just trying to cope with recovery and life - and it is normal for the process to take a long time, and through different levels of healing. Of course I will be ok one day. I will be able to just smile when thinking of MJ, without feeling so much sorrow. I'm not one to be easily distracted by the latest, the newest, and other such superficial things in life. I have but a few things that I treasure - my spouse, my kids, my health, my home, and the faith that is responsible for giving me those things I am greatful for...and MJ just happened to be one of the people I felt was, in his unique way, an irreplaceable element...tthat made things feel special, that's all.
  • Well thank you all for your input...I am in my mid 40's, and a mother of two teenage boys, and have been married to a great husband for the past 15 years, but have known him for 8 years before marrying. I do have a life, if it sounded like I didn't - and I do have a strong belief in God - everything starts with Him and returns to Him - and so many things we may not comprehend, He is all knowing. It's not like I am wasting my life crying over MJ - it's just that when a 'gift' such as he, so beyond simple comprehension, leaves us - it is very hard to come away from the 'lack of' that person that was such a gift to us. In all forms, he was art in human form. I put my concentration and energy into raising my boys...spending time with them...helping them plan their future...and I do not regret a single moment of having them, and this life...but it is just the other side of me - the other part of me that was enchanted by all the things MJ was, his unique connection to the world - when most of us have never met him...his aura, his charismatic performances that seemed to jump out from some place only he knew of - it is hard to accept that such a lively part of the world, is gone. He represented a kind of energy flow that only comes once in a lifetime...there are many entertainers, and many celebs in our world...but not all have that 'something'...that they send out in that kind of energy. Of course MJ is only human. He replaces not my faith, my belief, my God. But it is the unfamiliar 'place' in life and on earth, the unfamiliar place where MJ no longer walks, which is now our earth to continue living in - that is hard. It is a place where God has taken that ingredient away that feels cold and empty. MJ was to me, the added 'ingredient' in the normalcy of life. And now that 'ingredient' is gone, only leaving a memory of what that 'ingredient' was like.
    I think alot of us are misunderstood by some - we are not suicidal - no...we are just trying to cope with recovery and life - and it is normal for the process to take a long time, and through different levels of healing. Of course I will be ok one day. I will be able to just smile when thinking of MJ, without feeling so much sorrow. I'm not one to be easily distracted by the latest, the newest, and other such superficial things in life. I have but a few things that I treasure - my spouse, my kids, my health, my home, and the faith that is responsible for giving me those things I am greatful for...and MJ just happened to be one of the people I felt was, in his unique way, an irreplaceable element...tthat made things feel special, that's all.

    wow you beautifully put that into words, I was getting tears reading that. That is how I felt since he passed, but I can slowly feel it getting better though I'm still really upset and don't know how god could have let this happen to him, this way <!-- s:( -->:(<!-- s:( --> I always had faith but now I'm looking for more answers
  • OneLoveOneLove Posts: 470
    This is a beatiful thread. So much sincere emotion. It's just sad on your behalf that you're hurting inside. I'm glad that you didn't shut your soul to him because he's here, whether in mind, body, or spirit. The sad songs will do that, when you're feeling bad, listen to his dance numbers! You will bounce back in no time! God bless you.
  • sometimes I feel guilty like my body does shut him out because of pain and I'm fighting with it to say it's not real, it's happening cause of pain.
  • mjfansince4mjfansince4 Posts: 1,030
    1 Corinthians 13:12
    Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely


    i wish patience, faith and love for you. this whole thing is very difficult. whether you still believe or not, michael is a gift to this world. he may physically leave, but he will always be here- no matter what. and what makes you come back to him is purely love. i think he'd appreciate that. god bless you.



    side note: this quote made me think of michael and what he's doing for us, hope you don't mind me sharing =/


    John 15:13
    Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
  • WOW thanks you guys. I really needed to know that I was not the only one with the exact same feelings. It helps to know that lots of you out there DO live a life, ARE carrying on normally, TAKE PART of responsibilities...but still crumble from time to time when it's quiet, and there is time to reflect on your insides, coming out. Thanks so much...Keep in touch please, let me know how you are all doing when this summer comes around...it's like staring at a wrapped Christmas gift under the tree as a child, and sort of knowing what might or might not be in there...and wanting to open it, but still a bit scared...in case it's not what I wanted...Take care..Think I'll go listen to something happy - like "Rockin' Robbin" on youtube...lol...PEACE to you all....
  • Anytime, we're here for you and for each other. Right now though, I feel I don't have a life. I don't have a stable job and am stuck on what to do with my future, that's why I have a lot of time on my hands too and am crying and sleeping quite a bit as well. I just have to keep having hope that things will get better for all of us. I know I should pray about it, but I'm finding it hard to do as well, like I've lost faith sometimes.
  • Hey "Greenman.."sorry to hear you are having a hard time with different areas right now...someone in the thread earlier, suggested that I go and do something positive, even the smallest of things - to help a stranger in need. I do agree with that - doing positive things for someone else, especially someone who is a stranger and did not expect you to come and do something for them - really plants a seed of positive hope in your heart. And alot of times, depression or negativity feeds upon itself - like a reflection of negativity will respond back in negativity. It then becomes a vicious cycle. There are things we can do that are totally free - to help others in need. Like going down to donate a couple hours at a shelter - to help with the meal assembly or whatever. Michael had his grand ways of reaching out to the world in need - but we don't need to have that kind of money to make a difference. And once you see that smile on someone's face, that joy in seeing you take interest in making their one day a better one - it is a powerful natural high - the best kind of high that makes you KNOW there is a purpose in everything. We are God's tools. Just like how Michael was. And Michael might not be able to physically do anything now, since he is no longer with us - but if we want his legacy to remain alive and if we don't want his struggles in life to be in vain, we can make a difference by doing something out there in our own towns, neighborhoods to make a single day better for a stranger. Believe me, it will make you feel like someone reached into your heart and took out all the sadness and replaced it with a light hearted joy. And that positivity regenerates within you, and that is where your optimism and energy to do things for yourself will come from - like new ideas to help land you a better job situation.
    Remember that "Man in the Mirror" was meant for people, ordinary citizens like you and me and so many others...it was meant to reach out to us and speak to us, and MAKE us move towards the positive light.
    And in God's most precious message, He tells us that we need to take the first step, make that move, and He will come running to guide us, to take our hand. But he can't force us to make the move. He gives us the power to make the stand...and He'll do the rest. I believe you can do it. Whatever it is that inspires you, whatever it is that you love doing, that makes you YOU - do it. He'll be there to raise you up and move you forward, if only you'll make that turn when you see it there. We never thought the day would actually come in our life times to see Obama become president. It happened. Jesse Jackson cried tears of joy watching the outcome of the new Presidency. I wonder often, if MJ was watching, what he might have thought or said. I only wish I could have seen MJ's reaction. "Man in the Mirror" would've been a great song for Obama's win. lol...a time for a new turning, a time for standing up to things that CAN happen. take care, and I hope you feel better soon. Michael planted a seed in all of us, a seed of thought, of hope, of insentive, of possibilities. We can make an entire forest grow from that seed in our minds, our hearts. We just need to nurutre it, like how a seed needs sunlight and water...
  • 50, I worked at shelters in the past, but even lost hope in jobs for helping people cause I couldn't help myself and got miserable at them. But I agree Man In the Mirror is so inspirational and makes me sensitive. I don't give change to strangers, but one time I did it right after listening to it. I love what you're saying, all of it but for some reason I can't think like that anymore. Even though I always believed in God and was hopeful and all this stuff, I sometimes feel like I can't turn to God for this either, it's too hard. Other times I wish I didn't love Michael so much and feel like I invested too much time, and it's not like I was expecting anything in return but I got high for years off the thought of seeing mj and I'm so sad about that being gone too though of course I'm sad he's gone, period and for his family. And I used to sing and dance to mj with such passion, but I don't know if I ever will again cause I feel like it died with him and I used to feel like the more I do it, the closer I'm getting to seeing him one day, maybe I'm the screwed up one.

    I guess I have to turn back to my faith though I did it in summer and overexerted myself. Overpraying about overcoming this didn't help me immediately at all, it turned me off actually, but hopefully I will feel like myself again
  • Greenman -http]have you seen this on youtube? Watch carefully from 4:26 minutes onwards. do you know the interpretation of MJ's hand signs? I didn't until I saw this today. It gave me a boost - I know that inside, I don't really want to let go of my belief. Most times I tell myself, it's only a matter of weeks until June 25th...and if nothing, then August 29th...aren't I willing to at least wait for those days? And then at the same time, I am afraid that being optimistic again, will only make me fall harder then, if nothing happens...It's so weird because when I watch MJ - I feel like I host his energy inside me - I don't mean I'm an impersonator or anything like that - I can't even dance. BUT...what I mean is it's as though the 'spirit' and 'energy' that a professional impersonator who is dancing and lipsynching has - I feel that energy inside, just watching MJ. It's hard to explain...and then when I get to thinking that he may be gone forever - that energy dies...like someone had cut off the main valve...

    Can I ask what you do each day for a living? What's your life background - family? There was a time before this whole MJ incident - that I had been going through emotional downs alot. I didn't want to take prescription meds for it, so I opted for a natural remedy and went to GNC and bought a bottle of St. John's Wort capsules. herbs...anyway I started taking them and it worked sooo well, I was amazed. And it had no side effects on me. It was as though someone had changed the color lens on the way I filter my daily life through my eyes, and I just went through each day feeling great. It wasn't like a 'giddy' kind of fabricated feeling like "ok, what are YOu on today?" no - it was a very natural sense of contentment, and the things that used to get me down, just the overall 'sheet' of heaviness and depression that hovered over me, felt like it was lifted and gone. Things that normally triggered my depression DID NOT even bother me any longer...I don't need to use it anymore - I haven't used it even when this whole MJ thing started. I never thought of using it, it never crossed my mind. Maybe subconciously I don't want to be cut free from the drama that I go through each day? I don't know...sometimes I think I am sooo "Capricorn", which I am...but it's like I do love the depth that comes with my character, because it makes life that much more interesting...maybe I'm my worst enemy...don't know...

    For me right now, getting physcial exercise on a regular basis, getting my heart rate up and working out seems to help my mood elevate, pretty good. I think it's true that getting extra oxygen in and out promotes a healthier mood. It works for me. Greenman - just think about the well known MJ impersonators out there - imagine their lives, if we think ours have lost MJ...imagine what they feel - if the one that fed their soul to be what they are and do what they do - gone like that...I'd be devastated. what would be the strength for them to continue doing what they do? They not only breathed and lived MJ, but they were in a way, MJ in their own sense of reality.

    Are you afraid of being let down this summer? Is that why you don't have the optimism anymore? Sometimes I think we are more afraid of fear itself - than the actual reality that life will bring us, because we don't know our own strengths, our own capabilities. I'm slowly beginning to grab on tighter to the faith again that MJ will truly SHOCK the hell out of us, in his time. And maybe I should not worry about how I am going to deal with th elet down if the let down happens...you can't go and live life predicting every single step, how we are going to feel or react or handle things. Imagine if Michael had to think about every step he would be taking next, every reaction he would be facing, every set back he would have to deal with in life - he wouldn't have survived all that he did, NO WAY. I believe that most often, he had to just LIVE. Just LIVE without thinking about the dominoe effect of how his feelings were going to affect the outcome. An old NIKe ad reminds me of a great statement: "JUST DO IT". Babies, when they first learn to start walking, can learn because they FEAR NOTHING. They don't have a set place in their minds that hold doubt, and restrain them from TRYING. We on the other hand, have the unfortunate element of fear from knowledge and wisdom from experiences. So fear often stops us from removing doubt and holds us back from improvement. Believe in yourself, Greenman, before god can work on you, through you. - He can't help you see if you keep your eyes closed...lots of doors may have shut, but there are still windows that can be opened and we can crawl out through them if we ADAPT ourselves to crawl through those smaller spaces...
  • 50, I used to impersonate him a little, but not professionally, just for fun. I loved wearing clothes similar to his style years ago though I stopped and I loved to sing his songs or dance to them at events sometimes along with other artists stuff, and I used to get happy if people jokingly called me michael,or if they didn't know me but would bring up mj around me and look at me though I didn't do anything, that's why I feel like a part of me died. I saw so much of myself in him, almost like a mirror, we definitely had some connection. My eyes, smile, small build and dark hair made me think of his looks at times and though I know I don't really look just like him at all, for some reason he made me feel beautiful like him, and sometimes I still get told I sort of have an mj style though I'm not really trying. For awhile I would look in the mirror and cry, missing him and didn't understand it, but I have completely different hair now and feel better. As for myself, I live with family and have a social sciences background and have worked in the field though I 'm not working right now and I'm lost with what to do with myself in everything. It's like I've lost myself I was already depressed before he passed and wanted to make changes but this did a 360 on me. I can't sleep tonight cause I can't stop thinking about this all. I don't even know if this is a hoax or not anymore, I'm not expecting a 'comeback' or preparing myself for one but if it happens I'm here, though this summer I'm going to focus on having a happy one cause last year was a very hard one. I like what you said about opening up myself and believing in myself before God could help me. I used to pray so hard but gave up though I'm slowly getting into it again. I'm glad herbs worked for you, I'm taking anti depressants but am not happy with adjustments and all that, I HOPE IT WORKS OUT!!!
  • Greenman, you'll be alright. I feel it. It might take some time, but you'll be ok. I sense that you can make it through, and you don't have to have all the answers before you right now. That's what life is, a journey - and we pick up the clues along the way, bit by bit, and each piece helps us go further ahead. If you ever get sick of the adjustments to the meds, do try the capsules from GNC. I swear - they are so good. And you don't have to worry about it being like chemical meds/prescriptions, because they are natural and safe. If I ever get to the low point again, I might go and get myself a bottle again, but thank God I haven't needed it for over a year.
    I understand when you said you saw him in you - of course you felt it all crumble when he passed away. Would you believe I made myself my own MJ bracelet out of red string cord weaved, and black and white colored beads - I wear it to remember his strength. I never forget to put it on when I go to the gym. It helps me get through all the exercise I do. To me, those are great MJ colors - red, black and white. My fave colors of MJ.

    A friend of mine had a dream the other month of MJ. She said she watched him sleeping, and when he awoke, he said smiling, "boy, I haven't slept like that in soo long, it felt good! I can always sleep better when you're around..thanks." and that was it. She thinks it's just a dream, I think maybe it's a sign. Anyway, I think about how you're doing every now and then and I send out positive thoughts and prayers...to help you on your way, each day. Hope is all about the mindset. Remember that. What we tell ourselves in our heads is the most powerful tool - and also can be the most powerful weapon against our own sense of peace and success. Be strong and carry on...that is great that you impersonated MJ for the joy of it. Wish I could. LOL...that is a funny thought, imagining myself doing that. HA HA HAH. <!-- s:lol: -->:lol:<!-- s:lol: --> <!-- s:shock: -->:shock:<!-- s:shock: --> wish I could've seen you do your MJ moves. Have a great day Greenman. Peace.
  • aw the bracelet sounds really nice <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) --> I always liked black, white and red anyways, so I continue to wear it. That dream sounds really sweet, I usually believe they have signs and deeper messages to them too.

    Everyone tells me I'll be alright, I guess I have to learn to believe it. I didn't sleep all night and feel pretty weak right now and felt panicky a few hours ago. I know I will be too and told myself that from day one, but it's still very hard. Thanks so much for understanding though <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
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