Where Ever I go You are There
50th_State_Believer2
Posts: 98
It is almost..The 3 year mark.<br />Who would have thought - that it would feel like this.<br />As though just yesterday, you left us.<br /><br />Yes, I've been responsible for my life, my family, my place on this earth.<br />But between the moments, the days, the months, the years ~~ you pop back in like a Post It Note...reminding me of something that feels the same no matter how much time has gone by.<br /><br />Sometimes friends and family say something funny about you.<br />As though the mention of your name - won't sting like it always does. <br />I laugh with them, as though in fond memory of your existence...<br />But they don't know ~~ the wound never healed.<br /><br />On the radio in the car..."I Want You Back" plays as though celebrating something upbeat and happy.<br />How ironic, I think...the words that you sing - are words that we all feel..."I want you back''...<br />I manage a smile - because we all need to be grown ups. And we all have to pretend we have survived...and have grown out of the pain and misery - as the world of normalcy expects us to.<br /><br />Oh sure - life is good. I am blessed. I can't take things for granted. Thank God.<br />Yes I know those things are important - and we need to keep going forward.<br /><br />But for every forward step I take..<br />Michael - it's like a Moon Walk emoticon...that moves yet never gets anywhere...<br />Sometimes I selfishly wonder - was it a good thing that God gave us you?<br />Because it sure feels like eternal drowning...some sort of twisted punishment - that we don't have you anymore.<br /><br />Sometimes I choke up and swallow tears that I can't show in public.<br />Must go on...must keep moving...I tell myself. We need to grow from this...I tell myself.<br />There is a real world out there...come on...I tell myself.<br /><br />But Michael, the real world is cold. It feels alien. It feels like a rehearsed performance...no impromptu show of emotions.<br />I would rather linger in the energy that comes...from being lost within 4 walls...speakers...video...of you...your music...THAT..is my real world. Your hushed giggles..your shy glances at the floor...a snap - a smooth kick - a gentle twist of your head...orchestrated like a Michelangelo on the ceiling...<br /><br />So I'll let you go for now...once again...as I've done so many billion times in the recent past.<br /><br />I'll pretend that you're coming back. Because in reality, I have no way of making all the proof - actually live to it's word.<br />But hey Mickey - it's all ok.<br />I've been there before. I've bruised my soul and clenched my teeth and swallowed my tears.<br />I can do it another time again and again. <br /><br />I'll just breathe in...and out...get up yet another morning.<br />And when I hear your song..or see you in something that to others - might be totally irrelevant to you - I'll drench myself in your awesomeness. Because there is no other awesomeness...and the drowning part...in your awesomeness...is like...the BEST cure all...<br />again <br />and <br />again....Where ever I go ~~ You are there.
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