Preventing bullying
MissG
Posts: 7,403
This is a blog I wrote.
Don´t be a victim
How to recognize a bully
"All cruelty springs from weaknes"
(Seneca, 4BC-AD65)....
Never suffer in silence. No matter how popular a bully seems, you do not have to handle him alone, I´m here to help you.
Bullying is a form of abuse. It comprises repeated acts over time that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power with the more powerful individual or group abusing those who are less powerful. The power imbalance may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a target. Bullying can occur in any context in which human beings interact with each other....
Bullying can happen anywhere, at any time, to anyone. It's not just a school or teenage problem. You can be bullied in lots of other places.
Even adults get bullied. So it's very important to learn how to combat bullying
I am going to lead this article in to the awareness of cyber-bullying
Most bullying is traceable to one person, male or female - bullying is not a gender issue. Bullies are often clever people (especially female bullies) but you can be clever too.
The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof, however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people.
Their .. Power over people
The serial bully is able to exert a hold over people for a variety of reasons
Targets are disempowered such that they become dependent on the bully to allow them to get through each day without their life being made hell.
The serial bully is often able to bewitch an emotionally needy colleague into supporting them; this person then becomes the bully's spokesperson and advocate. How people can be so easily and repeatedly taken in by the bully's glib charm and constant lying is a mystery. Psychopaths are especially adept at conning people in this manner.
The medical profile:
Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD)
Borderline Personality Disorder
Do you think you have been a target? Read more:
Bullies often act out because they feel they have no control over their own lives; they bully in an attempt to take control.
Ignoring bullies do not make them stop. Intervention and awareness can end the harassment. Bullies thrive on the reactions of their victims, and ignoring them can make them step up their efforts.
If you are being bullied, is there anything you can do to stop it? The answer is YES, but the methods don't always work: All bullies are different, and many are very unpredictable.
1st, don't let yourself become a victim.
Fighting back against a bully will only escalate the situation; most of the time, that is exactly what he wants you to do. Arguing with him is usually frustrating, impossible or dangerous, especially if the person is impaired by drugs.
If ignoring just doesn't work, reply in a non-threatening or insulting manner. This takes the fun out of the taunting for the bully ....
In any case, ignoring is the best solution. Consider that this individuals are mentally sick....
The next level would be to address the situation legally to avoid other future victims
Some situations are more serious and will require intervention by other people. In this case you need to tell someone else about it. Go to an older person you can trust: your parent or a friend's parent…Keep telling people until you find someone who will deal with the situation.
No one deserves to be bullied. You are a great person and you are loved, so put an end to the bullying now. Don't hide, speak out and tell someone!
Get to know a bully: Patterns of recognition
The bully is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity.
is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence ....
shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water
undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviours
may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta ....
is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account ....
gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions
poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions
when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
often has an overwhelming, unhealthy, narcissistic, attention-seeking need to portray themselves as the right person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behaviour and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
is mean, and untrustworthy
is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
is always a taker and never a giver
is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness) ....
often fraudulently claims facts that never happened to create alliances....
is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication....
is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability....
is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly....
cannot be trusted or relied upon....
fails to fulfil commitments....
is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of child.....
is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy....
exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions.
More patterns and resume:
* has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides.
* is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment.
* relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib.
* displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity.
* excels at deception
* exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behaviour.
* displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others.
* when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression.
* often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as the right person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen....
* has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness).
* when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood (like making a hospital call..)
* is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humourless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills.
Focusing on one common type. The Attention-Seeker
Motivation: to be the centre of attention
Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism
Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high....
* emotionally immature
* selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest.
* is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention.
* manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner.
* sycophantic, fawning, toadying
* everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama.
* prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention.
* capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention.
* exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention.
* misappropriates others' statements.
* excusitis, makes excuses for everything.
* shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged.
* lots of self-pity creating a victim of him/her self.
* often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving.
* demanding of others
* easily provoked.
* feigns victimhood when held accountable, claiming they're the one being bullied and harassed.
* presents as a false victim when outwitted.
* may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution.
* malicious
* constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight.
* the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention.
Never suffer in silence. No matter how popular a bully seems, you do not have to handle him alone, I´m here to help you.
Bibliography.
Buunk, B. y Hoorens,V. (1992). Social support and stress, The role of social comparison and social....
exchange processes. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 31(4), 445-457.....
Cabaco, A.S. (1994). Estudio empírico de indicadores psicosociales de salud en sujetos de ..12 a.. 14 años de....
Bustamante (coord.): Ensayos y conferencias sobre Prevención e Intervención en Salud Mental.....
Salamanca: Junta de Castilla y León.....
Fernández Ballesteros, R. (1994). Evaluación conductual hoy. Un enfoque para el cambio en psicología....
Fernández Ríos, L. (1994). Manual de psicología preventiva. Teoría y práctica. ....Madrid....: Siglo XXI.....
Ficken, M. y Popp, J. (1996). A comparative analysis of passerine mobbing calls. Auk, 113(2), 370-380.....
Behavioral Ecology and Sociobiology, 38(4), 287-292.....
Jiménez Díaz, L. y Cabaco, AS. (Dirs.) (1991). Estudio de las características psicosociales Jiménez Díaz, L., Cabaco, A.S. y González, A. (1992). Estudio epidemiológico descriptivo, diagnóstico y de intervención en patología psicosomática....
Jiménez Díaz, L., Cabaco, A.S. y González, A. (1994). Trastornos de la conducta infanto-juvenil.....
Keltikangas, J. y Terav, T. (1996). Social decision-making strategies in individualist and collectivist cultures:....
Méndez, X., Macía, A. y Olivares, J. (eds) (1993). Intervención conductual en contextos comunitarios.....
Madrid: Pirámide.....
Murray, J. (1992). Prevention and the identification of high risk groups. International Review of Psychiatrye,....
Murrell, S., Norris, F. y Chipley, Q. (1992). Functional versus structural social support, desirable events, and positive affect in older adults. ....
Schuster, B. (1996). Rejection, exclusion, and harassment at work and in schools. European Psychologist,....1(4), 293-309.....
Silva, M. (1992). El clima en las organizaciones. Teoría, método e intervención. Barcelona: P.P.U....
Bully org publicación online....
HIRIGOYEN, MARIE-FRANCE EL ACOSO MORAL EN EL TRABAJO: DISTINGUIR LO VERDADERO DE LO FALSO. EDICIONES PAIDOS IBERICA, S.A. ISBN: 8449311225Glòria Poyatos i Matas; J. F. Escudero (Ed. Bosch) MOBBING: ANáLISIS MULTIDISCIPLINAR Y ESTRATEGIA LEGAL COMENTARIOS Y FORMULARIOSISBN: 8497900251.
..LA VIOLENCIA EN.. EL TRABAJO EN EL SECTOR DE SERVICIOS Y MEDIDAS PARA COMBATIR ESTE FENÓMENO 2004. ISBN 92-2-315288-7
Bullying organizations:
<!-- m -->http://www.pacer.org<!-- m -->
<!-- m -->http://www.stopbullyingworld.org<!-- m -->
<!-- m -->http://www.ravendays.org<!-- m -->
<!-- m -->http://www.bullycomplaint.com<!-- m -->
Please, add the ones in your local areas <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Don´t be a victim
How to recognize a bully
"All cruelty springs from weaknes"
(Seneca, 4BC-AD65)....
Never suffer in silence. No matter how popular a bully seems, you do not have to handle him alone, I´m here to help you.
Bullying is a form of abuse. It comprises repeated acts over time that involves a real or perceived imbalance of power with the more powerful individual or group abusing those who are less powerful. The power imbalance may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a target. Bullying can occur in any context in which human beings interact with each other....
Bullying can happen anywhere, at any time, to anyone. It's not just a school or teenage problem. You can be bullied in lots of other places.
Even adults get bullied. So it's very important to learn how to combat bullying
I am going to lead this article in to the awareness of cyber-bullying
Most bullying is traceable to one person, male or female - bullying is not a gender issue. Bullies are often clever people (especially female bullies) but you can be clever too.
The serial bully appears to lack insight into his or her behaviour and seems to be oblivious to the crassness and inappropriateness thereof, however, it is more likely that the bully knows what they are doing but elects to switch off the moral and ethical considerations by which normal people are bound. If the bully knows what they are doing, they are responsible for their behaviour and thus liable for its consequences to other people.
Their .. Power over people
The serial bully is able to exert a hold over people for a variety of reasons
Targets are disempowered such that they become dependent on the bully to allow them to get through each day without their life being made hell.
The serial bully is often able to bewitch an emotionally needy colleague into supporting them; this person then becomes the bully's spokesperson and advocate. How people can be so easily and repeatedly taken in by the bully's glib charm and constant lying is a mystery. Psychopaths are especially adept at conning people in this manner.
The medical profile:
Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD)
Borderline Personality Disorder
Do you think you have been a target? Read more:
Bullies often act out because they feel they have no control over their own lives; they bully in an attempt to take control.
Ignoring bullies do not make them stop. Intervention and awareness can end the harassment. Bullies thrive on the reactions of their victims, and ignoring them can make them step up their efforts.
If you are being bullied, is there anything you can do to stop it? The answer is YES, but the methods don't always work: All bullies are different, and many are very unpredictable.
1st, don't let yourself become a victim.
Fighting back against a bully will only escalate the situation; most of the time, that is exactly what he wants you to do. Arguing with him is usually frustrating, impossible or dangerous, especially if the person is impaired by drugs.
If ignoring just doesn't work, reply in a non-threatening or insulting manner. This takes the fun out of the taunting for the bully ....
In any case, ignoring is the best solution. Consider that this individuals are mentally sick....
The next level would be to address the situation legally to avoid other future victims
Some situations are more serious and will require intervention by other people. In this case you need to tell someone else about it. Go to an older person you can trust: your parent or a friend's parent…Keep telling people until you find someone who will deal with the situation.
No one deserves to be bullied. You are a great person and you are loved, so put an end to the bullying now. Don't hide, speak out and tell someone!
Get to know a bully: Patterns of recognition
The bully is a control freak and has a compulsive need to control everyone and everything you say, do, think and believe in their presence - but aggressively maintains the right to talk about anything they choose; serial bullies despise anyone who enables others to see through their deception and their mask of sanity.
is adept at creating conflict between those who would otherwise collate incriminating information about them
displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to value, praise and acknowledge others, their achievements, or their existence ....
shows a lack of joined-up thinking with conversation that doesn't flow and arguments that don't hold water
undermines and destroys anyone who the bully perceives to be an adversary, a potential threat, or who can see through the bully's mask
is quick to discredit and neutralise anyone who can talk knowledgeably about antisocial or sociopathic behaviours
may pursue a vindictive vendetta against anyone who dares to held them accountable, perhaps using others' resources and contemptuous of the damage caused to other people and organisations in pursuance of the vendetta ....
is also quick to belittle, undermine, denigrate and discredit anyone who calls, attempts to call, or might call the bully to account ....
gains gratification from denying people what they are entitled to
is highly manipulative, especially of people's perceptions and emotions
poisons peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions
when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression
is arrogant, haughty, high-handed, and a know-all
often has an overwhelming, unhealthy, narcissistic, attention-seeking need to portray themselves as the right person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully sees nothing wrong with their behaviour and chooses to remain oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen and how they are seen by others
is mean-spirited, officious, and often unbelievably petty
is mean, and untrustworthy
is greedy, selfish, a parasite and an emotional vampire
is always a taker and never a giver
is convinced of their superiority and has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, co-operation, trust, integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, manipulation, distrust, deceitfulness) ....
often fraudulently claims facts that never happened to create alliances....
is constantly imposing on others a false reality made up of distortion and fabrication....
is self-opinionated and displays arrogance, audacity, a superior sense of entitlement and sense of invulnerability and untouchability....
is unusually skilled in being able to anticipate what people want to hear and then saying it plausibly....
cannot be trusted or relied upon....
fails to fulfil commitments....
is emotionally retarded with an arrested level of emotional development; whilst language and intellect may appear to be that of an adult, the bully displays the emotional age of child.....
is emotionally immature and emotionally untrustworthy....
exhibits unusual and inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters, sexual behaviour and bodily functions.
More patterns and resume:
* has a vindictive nature - only the current target sees both sides.
* is a convincing, compulsive liar and when called to account, will make up anything spontaneously to fit their needs at that moment.
* relies on mimicry to convince others that they are a "normal" human being but their words, writing and deeds are hollow, superficial and glib.
* displays a great deal of certitude and self-assuredness to mask their insecurity.
* excels at deception
* exhibits unusual inappropriate attitudes to sexual matters or sexual behaviour.
* displays a compulsive need to criticise whilst simultaneously refusing to acknowledge, value and praise others.
* when called upon to share or address the needs and concerns of others, responds with impatience, irritability and aggression.
* often has an overwhelming, unhealthy and narcissistic need to portray themselves as the right person, in contrast to their behaviour and treatment of others; the bully is oblivious to the discrepancy between how they like to be seen (and believe they are seen), and how they are actually seen....
* has an overbearing belief in their qualities of leadership but cannot distinguish between leadership (maturity, decisiveness, assertiveness, trust and integrity) and bullying (immaturity, impulsiveness, aggression, distrust and deceitfulness).
* when called to account, immediately and aggressively denies everything, then counter-attacks with distorted or fabricated criticisms and allegations; if this is insufficient, quickly feigns victimhood (like making a hospital call..)
* is also ... aggressive, devious, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, doesn't listen, can't sustain mature adult conversation, lacks a conscience, shows no remorse, is drawn to power, emotionally cold and flat, humourless, joyless, ungrateful, dysfunctional, disruptive, divisive, rigid and inflexible, selfish, insincere, insecure, immature and deeply inadequate, especially in interpersonal skills.
Focusing on one common type. The Attention-Seeker
Motivation: to be the centre of attention
Mindset: control freak, manipulation, narcissism
Malice: medium to high; when held accountable, very high....
* emotionally immature
* selectively friendly - is sickly sweet to some people, rude and offhand to others, and ignores the rest.
* is cold and aggressive towards anyone who sees them for what they really are or exposes their strategies for gaining attention.
* manipulative of people's perceptions, but in an amateur and childish manner.
* sycophantic, fawning, toadying
* everything is a drama, usually a poor-me drama.
* prefers not to solve problems in own life so that they can be used and re-used for gaining sympathy and attention.
* capitalises on issues and uses them as a soapbox for gaining attention.
* exploits others' suffering and grief as a vehicle for gaining attention.
* misappropriates others' statements.
* excusitis, makes excuses for everything.
* shows a lot of indignation, especially when challenged.
* lots of self-pity creating a victim of him/her self.
* often as miserable as sin, apart from carefully constructed moments of charm when in the act of deceiving.
* demanding of others
* easily provoked.
* feigns victimhood when held accountable, claiming they're the one being bullied and harassed.
* presents as a false victim when outwitted.
* may feign exclusion, isolation or persecution.
* malicious
* constantly tries and will do almost anything to be in the spotlight.
* the focus of their life is to be the centre of attention.
Never suffer in silence. No matter how popular a bully seems, you do not have to handle him alone, I´m here to help you.
Bibliography.
Buunk, B. y Hoorens,V. (1992). Social support and stress, The role of social comparison and social....
exchange processes. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 31(4), 445-457.....
Cabaco, A.S. (1994). Estudio empírico de indicadores psicosociales de salud en sujetos de ..12 a.. 14 años de....
Bustamante (coord.): Ensayos y conferencias sobre Prevención e Intervención en Salud Mental.....
Salamanca: Junta de Castilla y León.....
Fernández Ballesteros, R. (1994). Evaluación conductual hoy. Un enfoque para el cambio en psicología....
Fernández Ríos, L. (1994). Manual de psicología preventiva. Teoría y práctica. ....Madrid....: Siglo XXI.....
Ficken, M. y Popp, J. (1996). A comparative analysis of passerine mobbing calls. Auk, 113(2), 370-380.....
Behavioral Ecology and Sociobiology, 38(4), 287-292.....
Jiménez Díaz, L. y Cabaco, AS. (Dirs.) (1991). Estudio de las características psicosociales Jiménez Díaz, L., Cabaco, A.S. y González, A. (1992). Estudio epidemiológico descriptivo, diagnóstico y de intervención en patología psicosomática....
Jiménez Díaz, L., Cabaco, A.S. y González, A. (1994). Trastornos de la conducta infanto-juvenil.....
Keltikangas, J. y Terav, T. (1996). Social decision-making strategies in individualist and collectivist cultures:....
Méndez, X., Macía, A. y Olivares, J. (eds) (1993). Intervención conductual en contextos comunitarios.....
Madrid: Pirámide.....
Murray, J. (1992). Prevention and the identification of high risk groups. International Review of Psychiatrye,....
Murrell, S., Norris, F. y Chipley, Q. (1992). Functional versus structural social support, desirable events, and positive affect in older adults. ....
Schuster, B. (1996). Rejection, exclusion, and harassment at work and in schools. European Psychologist,....1(4), 293-309.....
Silva, M. (1992). El clima en las organizaciones. Teoría, método e intervención. Barcelona: P.P.U....
Bully org publicación online....
HIRIGOYEN, MARIE-FRANCE EL ACOSO MORAL EN EL TRABAJO: DISTINGUIR LO VERDADERO DE LO FALSO. EDICIONES PAIDOS IBERICA, S.A. ISBN: 8449311225Glòria Poyatos i Matas; J. F. Escudero (Ed. Bosch) MOBBING: ANáLISIS MULTIDISCIPLINAR Y ESTRATEGIA LEGAL COMENTARIOS Y FORMULARIOSISBN: 8497900251.
..LA VIOLENCIA EN.. EL TRABAJO EN EL SECTOR DE SERVICIOS Y MEDIDAS PARA COMBATIR ESTE FENÓMENO 2004. ISBN 92-2-315288-7
Bullying organizations:
<!-- m -->http://www.pacer.org<!-- m -->
<!-- m -->http://www.stopbullyingworld.org<!-- m -->
<!-- m -->http://www.ravendays.org<!-- m -->
<!-- m -->http://www.bullycomplaint.com<!-- m -->
Please, add the ones in your local areas <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Comments
Your experience can help others as well on how to over come the feelings.
Thanks for sharing.
Love,
PIM xo
I love this thread Gema! Thank you, it will indeed help many.
RK-what a great picture!
I have a chihuahua....it's the Great Dane that should be scared!
Thanks for posting the picture!
Blessings to all and thank you again Gema!
I just read through all of the information you have so kindly posted for all of us to see and learn from...I too have studied this at great length...and I believe that we still need greater awareness of the tactics and mindset of the bully as this is the key to recognising it and walking away from it....yes they are very clever and masters of deception and have you believing that you are the one at fault...
The first step to taking positive action is always awareness and seeking help...but the victim doesn't do that because he/she is led to believe that it is his/her fault and any kind of awareness on the part of the victim is quickly undermined and the victim is left feeling confused....
It's a huge issue and a very big problem on a global scale and at all levels of social interactions, from schools, institutions, the work place, personal relationships and families....but together we can make a change in this world....
Thanks Gema (hugs)
You are so right about that BabyDoll.
Thanks to everybody for your words. I too hope that this info reaches more people. Education in this matter is important.
I posted this blog on myspace and was hardly noticed. I am happy to see that awareness about this subject is reaching more people.
Again, thanks to MJ and this forum, we are continuing learning.
Luvs
It IS all about power over and control....and the ones who hold the power in high places want to maintain their status and hence don't address these issues....it takes a LOT of integrity and courage to speak out against such matters...
(hugs) <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Bullies can really fool the rest by appearing as a victim instead . They complaint as being the target or get almost paranoid that they are the ones being stalked so they talk bad or insult others using the "I am defending myself".
In another thread I posted some screens i catched in twitter where a mother and a daugther (well, they are trolls imo, may be bored teens) were really talking terrible to people and when people answered harsh they played the victim part justifiying their bad words. It goes in circles.
Bullying can turn so negative. The bulled one can become the biggest buller and then accidents happens, as the shootings in schools.
More experts is what the estate must provide. I can´t understand why this subject is being so neglegted.
Dear Gema,
That's so true where the bully feigns victimhood and accuses his victim of bullying him/her! How upside down and confusing is that? And then they go on a mission to prove to others that the victim is the bully! The problem is they can be very convincing and the victim is further bullied in this manner and then no one believes them...so sad...
Yes definitely more experts on the matter are needed...(smiling) it sounds to me like you are one...(hug)...keep up the good work Gema....I would love to do more about this matter....I am doing what I can for now in my vicinity...
Love to you. <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Bullying happens in working spaces as well. Mobbing works the same way. Abuse of power at its best.
At times I wish I could rewired people just with a positive thought. Sadly, both parties are on the lose.
Thanks for your words.
It's easy to forget that many adults also are bullied, whether it be at home or in the workplace.
I had a very bad time in one job where I worked only with men and they bullied and were sexist. I was ashamed because I felt as an adult (I was 21 at the time), and I couldn't stand up for myself.
Did you know here in France we don't even have an exact translation for 'bullying'? It's like it doesn't exist, it does of course, and sexism is very prominent here in the south.
Yes it's like people deny the existence of bullying....yet it is rampant....
It's ok sweetie I am much stronger now!
Love to you
<!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
It's ok sweetie I am much stronger now!
Love to you
<!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->[/quote]
Love to you too Trublu! And I am glad that you are a lot stronger now....but was it ever about strength or more like not knowing how to deal with it?
I think it was both, but also about knowing how to value yourself. If you are told repeatedly that you are 'stupid' or whatever it may be it is difficult any to reprogram your thinking. (especially if it comes from authoritive figures like your parents or your boss or a teacher or whatever because naturally you have respect for them.)
I had a difficult childhood and I (if I'm honest) went round like a victim for quite a while. I realised one day that if you assume yourself to be a victim, well that's how people will treat you. Once you gain some respect for yourself, thats when others will have respect for you.
My philosophy on life is now this:
Whatever happens to me (I am talking as an adult- children don't have the power to make large life decisions)- whatever happens, whatever situation I'm in (a bad job, a bad relationship etc), well I only have myself to blame. Because I can choose to remove myself from such situations. At the same time though, I never had someone tell me to finish school, to go for my dreams etc, so whatever good I do in my life, I only have myself to be proud of.
It sounds selfish and I'm not very eloquent in English, but this way, you are always the one in control of your own life and nobody can make you feel anything without your permission.
x
Your case is not isolated. I am sure that your words will encourage those who felt or feel that way.
Be proud of your achievements and believe in yourself.
Hugs.
I think it was both, but also about knowing how to value yourself. If you are told repeatedly that you are 'stupid' or whatever it may be it is difficult any to reprogram your thinking. (especially if it comes from authoritive figures like your parents or your boss or a teacher or whatever because naturally you have respect for them.)
I had a difficult childhood and I (if I'm honest) went round like a victim for quite a while. I realised one day that if you assume yourself to be a victim, well that's how people will treat you. Once you gain some respect for yourself, thats when others will have respect for you.
My philosophy on life is now this:
Whatever happens to me (I am talking as an adult- children don't have the power to make large life decisions)- whatever happens, whatever situation I'm in (a bad job, a bad relationship etc), well I only have myself to blame. Because I can choose to remove myself from such situations. At the same time though, I never had someone tell me to finish school, to go for my dreams etc, so whatever good I do in my life, I only have myself to be proud of.
It sounds selfish and I'm not very eloquent in English, but this way, you are always the one in control of your own life and nobody can make you feel anything without your permission.
x[/quote]
I agree with you... a difficult childhood does not help....it's strange though how people either become the abused or the abuser...I've always wondered what makes a person choose to abuse power over others...while the other group become victims...
What you say is not selfish at all, everyone has to learn to love themselves first, then we have something true to give to someone else.
It's true that healing comes from believing that you deserve to be treated better....but if you've never known better, that's kind of hard to do....I believe empowerment is the key to healing both the victims and the abusers....but this can also be hard to do because an individual has to be ready for that change...
I think it's important to understand the dynamics of the energy exchange that goes on between the bully and the victim...knowledge leads to informed choices....you cannot choose what you do not yet know...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and thanks to Gema for starting this thread....
Much love. XO
I am very happy that we all together can exchange opinions, experiences and expertise about this <!-- s:D -->:D<!-- s:D -->
The 1st step to solve a conflict, imo, is to start a dialog. We can evolve so much.
I am not awared of the phenomenom in every country but I guess that at the end the basis are just the same. So all of this info gathered here can really help to set a perspective on the problem <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Gema...I agree very much with that statement! The unfortunate reality is some schools just do not have the resources or training to know how to deal with bullying.
I am very blessed that my children attend a very small country school that really cares about their children. As some of you might know I have a 12 yr old Autistic son. He has in the past experienced a bit of bullying ( nothing serious, just name calling thank God!), but it was nipped in the bud right away as there is zero tolerance for that kind of abuse. But through the yrs of my son attending this school I have learned that it is not so much that these children like being mean. They just do not understand children with disabilities, whether it be mental or physical disabilities. And it not just the children who don't understand, it can be the adults also. So myself and his social worker have been working with the teachers, superintendent, and principles to help educate them on Autism. I have even offered to speak to the student body (out of my comfort zone, as I do not like talking in front of people) about what Autism is and give them a glimpse of the world through an Autistic child's eyes. It's not easy thing to adjust to as I, myself am still learning about this mental challenge and how best to help my son. As a result, the school has applied for some grants to use for training in the area of Autism and are starting to take the initiative to educate the facility. I am so grateful that my children are able to attend this school. Thank God Michigan has school of choice and I am able to pick the school I want my children to attend. I drive 120 miles a day to take my children to this school, as we moved a yr ago farther from the school.
So yes I agree the schools need more education and training on this subject. That's why I do what I can to help them in the area I know and have personal experience with. I want every challenged child, be it mentally/physically to have a enjoyable, enriching, safe, time at school and anything I can do to help make that happen I'll do!
*side note....I don't think it all is up to the schools though. Children need to be taught at home also. If parents taught their children to love unconditionally, and to accept those that are challenged. I don't think there would be as much of this abuse going on. I teach my children to not judge and to accept people for who they are. That everyone is challenged in one way or another... that no one is ever better than someone else....God created us all equally! I tell them to love everyone even those who do them wrong. And my Autistic son always tells me...."Mom..I have nothing but Peace, Love, and Joy in my heart" And he does, he never has a bad word to say about anyone, he loves everyone!
Thanks for starting this thread Gema...it needs some much more attention then it gets!
Love & Blessing to All!
Keep the Faith <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Michael....I LOVE You MORE!!
Love & Blessings to All!
Keep the Faith <!-- s:) -->:)<!-- s:) -->
Michael....We LOVE You More!!