A Believers’ Confessional
WhiteNight
Posts: 91
My confession to all of you, my fellow beLIEvers
This is actually something I wrote at the spur of the moment. I personally do not believe in confessionals but I figured that this would be the best thing to call it. It would actually be nice if this could be a place where fellow beLIEvers post their own feelings, fears and confessions as important dates knock at our doors. This is actually something I’m a bit ashamed of so please understand that it is not easy for me to show this to the world so to speak. It was really hard to write this because I could not stop myself from crying.
I had just seen that special on Animal Planet about Michael Jackson and Bubbles: ‘The Untold Story.’ The last bit of that show with Latoya talking with Bubbles stuck with me for some reason. Yes I believe that Michael may still be alive but there are things that tend to pull on the ‘heart strings.’ It did not cause me to have doubt but seeing Latoya cry like that broke my heart into a million pieces. I just felt like hugging her and crying with her.
I know that I am not very active on here but I read nearly everything you guys post. I feel like I know all of you because of that. So here I present you my personal confession. I was actually gonna delete this but I decided that I should share this with you instead.
It’s almost that time…
As I sit here, I’m riddled with thoughts and memories. It’s really hard not to think about him. I ask myself… Have I gone mad? Am I losing touch with reality?
Here I am hanging by a thread. I feel that if I move just a little, I’ll fall into a dark hole. A bottomless pit with no end, that is, no end in life. But only death could end it.
There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in which I don’t think of him. He still haunts me in my dreams. I want him to leave me alone but he doesn’t. He continues to dance on the black reflective corridors of my mind. It’s as if he is calling me to go with him.
The love that I have for this man is nearly unrivaled by anything on this earth. I have never in my life loved another human being like this. They say that love is a beautiful thing but if that were so, why is this so painful?
I demand an answer from myself as I did that day and every day since then.
Why does this matter? Why does he matter? I was not a fan before that day so why is he so important to me? Why did it have to take what happened on that day for me to pay attention to him?
It’s like a sickness, a disease with no cure.
No matter where I go, there he is in the form of an elegant broach, in the form of a sequined article of clothing or in a fedora hat that adorns a mannequin. I want to run away from the world to avoid seeing objects that provoke such emotions. But even if I could, I would be in the confines of my room, a room which is filled with memories of him. For it was modified and conceived in the wake of my deepest sorrow. Every stroke of the paintbrush was executed with such strong emotions towards him and his plight. I can’t escape from looking at any portion of my habitation without being reminded of what I felt when I was working on it.
There is no closure whatsoever.
I wish I knew when this would all end. I wish that it were that simple. I wish that I could just move on but I can’t.
Every day that goes by, I’m pummeled with emotions and thoughts that eventually lead to him.
I am a prisoner of such emotions and I can’t break free.
Like a ball and chin, I carry this immense burden with every step that I take. It’s so heavy and it’s weighing on me. It really is.
Despite the fact that there is such strong evidence that he is alive, I’m still unable to rid myself of this misery.
It is going to be a year and yet my wound is still fresh and it refuses to heal.
The summer sun shines ever so brightly but it can’t seem to penetrate even the thinnest parts of this cloud that hangs over me. I’m drenched in my own tears. I almost can’t have salt because I’m sickened with the many tears that I have tasted.
I can’t imagine being subjected to life in which there is such emptiness and longing. The air that I breathe is forever filled with the bitter scent of nostalgia.
What’s wrong with me?
Why is this happening to me?
When will this end?
I wish I had an answer to all of these questions but sadly, I don’t and I do not know if I ever will.
All I know is that on that day, June 25th 2009, my old self died and I was born to a whole new world but I’m not sure if I like it.
Without Michael, I’m not sure if I like it at all.
~alma~
This is actually something I wrote at the spur of the moment. I personally do not believe in confessionals but I figured that this would be the best thing to call it. It would actually be nice if this could be a place where fellow beLIEvers post their own feelings, fears and confessions as important dates knock at our doors. This is actually something I’m a bit ashamed of so please understand that it is not easy for me to show this to the world so to speak. It was really hard to write this because I could not stop myself from crying.
I had just seen that special on Animal Planet about Michael Jackson and Bubbles: ‘The Untold Story.’ The last bit of that show with Latoya talking with Bubbles stuck with me for some reason. Yes I believe that Michael may still be alive but there are things that tend to pull on the ‘heart strings.’ It did not cause me to have doubt but seeing Latoya cry like that broke my heart into a million pieces. I just felt like hugging her and crying with her.
I know that I am not very active on here but I read nearly everything you guys post. I feel like I know all of you because of that. So here I present you my personal confession. I was actually gonna delete this but I decided that I should share this with you instead.
It’s almost that time…
As I sit here, I’m riddled with thoughts and memories. It’s really hard not to think about him. I ask myself… Have I gone mad? Am I losing touch with reality?
Here I am hanging by a thread. I feel that if I move just a little, I’ll fall into a dark hole. A bottomless pit with no end, that is, no end in life. But only death could end it.
There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in which I don’t think of him. He still haunts me in my dreams. I want him to leave me alone but he doesn’t. He continues to dance on the black reflective corridors of my mind. It’s as if he is calling me to go with him.
The love that I have for this man is nearly unrivaled by anything on this earth. I have never in my life loved another human being like this. They say that love is a beautiful thing but if that were so, why is this so painful?
I demand an answer from myself as I did that day and every day since then.
Why does this matter? Why does he matter? I was not a fan before that day so why is he so important to me? Why did it have to take what happened on that day for me to pay attention to him?
It’s like a sickness, a disease with no cure.
No matter where I go, there he is in the form of an elegant broach, in the form of a sequined article of clothing or in a fedora hat that adorns a mannequin. I want to run away from the world to avoid seeing objects that provoke such emotions. But even if I could, I would be in the confines of my room, a room which is filled with memories of him. For it was modified and conceived in the wake of my deepest sorrow. Every stroke of the paintbrush was executed with such strong emotions towards him and his plight. I can’t escape from looking at any portion of my habitation without being reminded of what I felt when I was working on it.
There is no closure whatsoever.
I wish I knew when this would all end. I wish that it were that simple. I wish that I could just move on but I can’t.
Every day that goes by, I’m pummeled with emotions and thoughts that eventually lead to him.
I am a prisoner of such emotions and I can’t break free.
Like a ball and chin, I carry this immense burden with every step that I take. It’s so heavy and it’s weighing on me. It really is.
Despite the fact that there is such strong evidence that he is alive, I’m still unable to rid myself of this misery.
It is going to be a year and yet my wound is still fresh and it refuses to heal.
The summer sun shines ever so brightly but it can’t seem to penetrate even the thinnest parts of this cloud that hangs over me. I’m drenched in my own tears. I almost can’t have salt because I’m sickened with the many tears that I have tasted.
I can’t imagine being subjected to life in which there is such emptiness and longing. The air that I breathe is forever filled with the bitter scent of nostalgia.
What’s wrong with me?
Why is this happening to me?
When will this end?
I wish I had an answer to all of these questions but sadly, I don’t and I do not know if I ever will.
All I know is that on that day, June 25th 2009, my old self died and I was born to a whole new world but I’m not sure if I like it.
Without Michael, I’m not sure if I like it at all.
~alma~
Comments
Alma, you are not alone. He touched us all from the casual fan, to the forever fan and even to the curious fan that became hooked on 6/25/09. His presence haunts us all. But why????? I ask myself the same reason everyday. I have followed him for 40 years and it's been like loosing a family member. Yet, I don't even know him. So why is he SO present in all of us? Why have we all been brought together??? THERE HAS TO BE A REASON. EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND THAT IS WHY WE ARE HERE. Let's see where the journey takes us. BRAVE post Alma - chin up. You are here for a reason.((((Alma))))))
I am glad I'm not the only one that obsesses about him like that. <!-- s:D -->:D<!-- s:D -->
Michael is an enigma. Something so unexplainable and so attractive (I mean this in every way possible- looks, personality, etc). You can try to define Michael until you die, but you will never grasp him. He's unattainable, yet humble. He's perfect, yet human. He's the Prince Charming you read about as a girl, who not only saves you, but the world. He's the guy you can't wait to bring home to Mom, yet can still be "bad." He's doing this for himself, his family, his children, for you, for me, for the world. He's put himself in the spotlight, through the pain, the judgment, the torture for our faces he's never seen. Could I do that? Could you do that?
June 25th was hard. The anniversary is harder. The 25th was the stab in the heart, the anniversary is the twist of the knife. I find comfort in this forum- in the truth that we've found, in the fight we've promised to fight, in Michael himself.
It's 11:51 in California. A year ago he was apparently still practicing at Staples. Does it seem like a year? No. It seems like 20. For whatever reason God willed me to look up "Michael Jackson Death Hoax" on youtube in February, I am thankful.
The road has been an uphill climb. Post-BAM, it's going to be bumpy. We will feel a wrath that we haven't experienced before. If we remember why we're doing it (LOVE), if we keep our eyes on the prize (TRUTH), then this entire Dante's Inferno we've been traveling for a year will not be in vain.
Michael, on your command, we begin.
Love you more. Seriously.
B
getting back in the bed now... later my straight-jacket friends <!-- s:| -->:|<!-- s:| -->
Well said. My sentiments exactly. This is a very spiritual thing we're experiencing. A game changer for sure. This is a very hard day for me. I'm going to turn off the television and take the day off from work and go swimming. Gotta clear my head.
Wow. I feel exactly the same. I have never turned my back on him since 1969.
Beautifully stated. So eloquent.
I think you've just read my mind because your words show that I am feeling the exact same way as you. Very brave of you to share that. Sending you lots of love XXX
We all need to pray for each other. I don't believe this is a coincidence. Somehow, someway, someday...I believe we will all be working with each other to accomplish something huge. Ithink Michael has been praying for an Army for some time...and we have answered the call. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have always been fascinated by war and those who fight the good fight...from Joshua and David to Martin Luther King and John Kennedy. In fact, my children call me warrior. I think what lies ahead will be a huge battle so I'm praying for all of us that we "gird our loins" and be prepared. It's been an isolated year except for all of you. I'm so grateful for your fellowship.
I live by this motto from one of the American Revolution heroes - Edmund Burke
"All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."
I'm just standing by for orders. A good solider knows how to follow.
Good topic and this post struck a chord with me. I also simply yeilded to what I felt God was trying to say to me. I remember walking and literally saying that to God, I yeild to You in this. I won't resist this glorious feeling! I wasn't a fan before his death, but researched after his death news. In a few weeks of saturating myself with everything MJ, I fell madly in love. Then started grieving, and the pain was so intense, right in my heart, I was amazed at the power of the feeling. The ONLY thing that took away the pain was faith that he was alive! I've laughed lots, panicked lots, and have been stuck like glue to this site. Rollercoaster ride! Michael has bared his soul so it's okay if we do too!
We truly Love you Michael and just by chance that you read this, I hope you can see the love here...we will wait and we will be here for you when you return!
Lots of Love to my "Michael Family"
Thank you so much for writing the words I've longed to write. You read my mind too.
I'm afraid. I am moving away from home, and I am scared to move on because I don't want to current 'relationship' with Michael to change.
Today was so difficult. I tried to distract my self with friends and normal Friday night activities but all I could think about was WHEN WHEN WHEN. I'm slipping. I need something major to lift me back up.
quinnnadu: I did forget to say this but one thing that must be understood is that I was not a beLIEver when all of this started. I actually believed that Michael really was gone for about 4 months after June 25th, 2009. So I do carry with me memories of that immense feeling of loss. It’s really hard to rid myself of them because there is always that little ‘What if...’ element in anything without REAL cold hard facts. Yes there is purposed ‘evidence’ but none of this has been directly confirmed by anyone of importance or for that matter, anyone in Michael’s camp. I’m not trying to disrespect anyone by saying this but it’s just the way I see it.
Even so, I’m still a beLIEver and nothing will change that.
But after all, ‘I’m only human...’ Doubt is one of the many threads of ‘human nature.
missy_missy , neversaynever, happythoughts: I was not a fan PERIOD. LOL All I listened to was Japanese/Asian music. I would go to Anime conventions hardcore. And I would wear nothing but anime shirts and bags. I would also cosplay (dressup) as anime characters in conventions and compete at the craftsmanship level of costume design. I have even travelled thousands of miles to meet famous Manga-ka (Japanese comic book authors) I was a HARDCORE anime fan/addict without any other interests. I would submerge myself in all things Japanese/Asian. There is evidence of that in my signature. (my anime renditions of Michael) How could this affect someone like me?
Michael and his message are everything to me.
I think that this is a testament to how important this really is. This has brought people from all walks of life together. I totally agree. There is a reason for this.
2good2btrue: I totally feel you in regards to everything that you have said! I love you too! X3
nefari, peacock shine : Yes, his hold is quite strong. I can’t seem to pull away no matter how much I try. LOL But even though it’s painful sometimes, I’m loving every moment of it. (I hope that did not come out wrong >_>)
Laine29: No Kidding! LMAO!
mjfansince4: That was a beautiful and deep post. Thank you so much for sharing that!
this1crazygirl: ‘straight-jacket friends...’ That just cracked me up! LOL!!!
breakodawn: WOW! That’s VERY interesting and it’s worth thinking about.
SoldierofLOVE: Yes I have to agree. This is definitely something VERY spiritual.
MashMike: I could not stop crying when I typed ‘my confession.’ It’s even difficult to read even though it’s composed of my own words. It is hard but I will always ‘keep the faith.’
rowdyangel: I send you lots of love too *hugs*
Rita Hayworth, MJonmind, mjj4ever777, missdanipyt: OMG.... That’s really something. Aside from my former anime obsession, I had been searching within myself and seeking salvation. And then ...BAM! (June 25th 2009) I use to be an atheist.
Now I read the bible everyday when before, I would never touch one with a 10ft pole. lol
I ‘m not very sure on what my mission is (precisely) but I do agree with in that we are ‘chosen’ and will work together to accomplish something so big that not even the most prepared beLIEver will be able to wrap their mind around it. And yes, we really must "gird our loins" in preparation for what is to come.
After so much questioning (Why me?!?!?! WHY WHY WHY!?!), I have finally given in and surrendered.
God knows what he does. I’m the one who does not so therefore, I must follow.
Marissa87: I understand how you feel. I know that it can be difficult sometimes but ‘keep the faith.’ *hugs*
I would like to thank all you guys for posting your support and your stories. I’m truly touched by them and I really mean it when I say that.
Hugs and L.O.V.E. to all of you,
~alma~
I was not a beLIEver at first either. However, I had this nagging feeling that just would not go away--the feeling that Michael is still with us. There were other signs, too; and I won't go into them; but I started looking into the evidence, and I became a beLIEver. It's not that I never have doubts. Of course, I have them. Like you said, "I am only human;" and that is just a part of "human nature." I was a fan in the early to mid '80s and then, for reasons I don't even remember, I stopped being a fan. I still loved and cared about Michael; but I didn't follow his every move. Now, I am back as a fan reawakened, and also as a friend; and I have been corresponding with him for about a year now. Now his music has new meaning to me; and I listen from a different perspective.
But I am like you I feel it is like a pull towards something and it wont let go
I am a grown woman with children and it will not leave my mind as too what has happened.
right from the start i did not feel he had died and i want to know why I feel like this it is driving me mad
Just the other day a friend called me obsessed it upset me at first because I thought cant she see what I can see that nothing adds up but hse can not.
So why can I and all of you
Thank goodness you all feel the same